ENCOURAGEMENT WEEK 3: WORDS RESTORE
Great job beginning to build new rhythms and an uplifting culture in your home! There’s a saying: “Progress is more important than perfection.” Whether you nailed it or feel like it’s been a struggle, keep making progress!
Your family has seen you practice speaking words of praise and positive identity to them for two weeks now. Beginning new patterns takes consistent effort over time. Whether it’s been easy, awkward, or just plain hard, trust that you’ve begun the process of positive change and that it will take time. Keep at it!
This week we turn our attention to the power our words have to heal.
Once, when my children were little, we wanted to get outside on a beautiful day and get a treat. A walk to the grocery store would accomplish two things at once. On the way home one of them didn’t see a crack in the sidewalk and fell, bloodying her knee and hands.
I picked up a crying, five-year-old off the cement. As I attempted to encourage and soothe her, we both heard her brother say, “You should have looked out for that crack.” Her brother is a loving person and meant well. I knew what he really meant was, “I’m sad you got hurt and wish that hadn’t happened to you. It makes me sad when you’re hurting.”
He was only 7 and his mind didn’t have all those words. In that moment, when this hurt child needed comfort and healing (literally and emotionally) she got shame added on top of her physical pain and was made to feel she should have done better.
Here’s the hard truth: Some of us do the same. We react out of frustration, guilt or sadness that our loved ones had a hard moment and when our heart wants to lift them up, we inadvertently add to their struggle.
This week we practice words that lift up and heal. We’re building the habit of being there when they fall, fail a test, deal with a bully, have a crush reject them, get cut from a team, and face so many other challenges. This also means lifting up even when we are the object of their mistake - when they talk back, don’t listen, or are rude to us. In those moments we’re offered the choice to respond in kind or to call them forward to a better way. Restorative words point out the best of who they are and who they can be rather than just angrily telling them what they’re doing wrong.
Weekly Assignment:
Your task is to seek opportunities this week or from the past where you feel you can offer words that lift up and restore. This week we’ll be a little more opportunistic. We don’t necessarily want to bring up our loved ones’ past failures. We’re looking to help heal, not to remind and shame. If those opportunities arise, great, redirect their pain or shame into hope and encouragement. If no such opportunity comes, repeat the last two weeks. They’d still love to hear you speaking praise and positive identity over them and you can keep developing the habit.
Some examples of restoring & redirecting words:
I’m sorry that test was so challenging. You’re smart and I know you can apply yourself. I can help you study next time. You got this!
Ouch! That fall must have really hurt. I’m sorry. When you’re ready to play some more, tell me and we’ll get back out there.
I understand what it’s like to have a crush not like you back. It hurts, but I promise it gets better, and one day someone you care about is going to see how awesome you are!
That game/race/match didn’t go your way, but I love that you were out there trying. Your practice has been paying off and I know you can grow from this.
It’s a bummer you got in trouble at school, but I know you want to do better. What do you feel like you learned from this and how can it go better next time?
I know it was embarrassing when you slipped in front of everyone. Everyone has those moments and you’re not alone. One day this will be a great story to tell. Let me tell you about a time I embarrassed myself…
It’s ok you spilled that drink. How about we clean it up together and talk about how to hold the cup differently next time?
I know you aren’t happy about being rude to your mom/sibling/me and that shows you are a caring person and you want to show that care. That’s such a good thing about you and shows a good heart. Let’s talk about how to make it right and how to express your feelings. We love you.
*A special note on this topic. Sometimes hurts run deep. There are times the hurt is big enough that words aren’t the immediate need. If your kids or partner have a moment like that, consider whether something like a long hug or an act of caring is what’s needed in the moment. Sometimes people don’t want solutions, they just want to see us care.